CONFESSIONS of a lover in LOVE and DESPAIR

I wish i could just disappear through the night.

 have you ever felt driven away by something? swept off...? into freedom...?  like the wind that sweeps off scattered leaves on the ground...freeing them of stillness, yet binding them in its own swirling motion...

ah. what an agitating bound freedom.

 the music plays its unchanging harmony...only to prolong the feeling it had induced.

 lofty peaks raise a brow...

 the pull of the magnet...strong and wicked...or is it the meak iron?...fighting hard?

 words...mystical...conspicuous...you can choose...doesnt matter...coz the meaning lies not in them...

a man threw a stone into the ocean.

stones drown...

his didnt.

it was the ocean. it chose to float the stone...or so the ocean believed...or so it all seemed.

the only truth was the man. and the honest throw...

ocean confused in its own gripping waters..tripping the stone.

the floating drowing stone. the sham.

o ocean. seek the man...peek into his soul...play not with the stone.

 seek the man!

 feel his soul...

Lover ...

 have you ever felt your heart go heavy....really heavy...with a force you fathomed was far beyond your capacity to mitigate?

 head tilted to an angle that doesnt change...

 eyes tired of a vision too intense to behold...

 lips quivering in the wake of a desire they thought had been lipped for good....

 o..the qualms of a wavering heart...

 the crippling effect.

Lover...

 behold me..i am that leaf swirling in the wind

feel me......i am the man throwing the stones...

kiss me...unlip.

the powerful constructions of the mind...

 the will to dig...

 the deeps...

 a man once lay on a tree...musing to himself...glaring at the sky...

along came a boy...he looked up and asked the man..."sir, what is love?"

the man, not withdrawing his gaze said, "love is an amalgamation of two souls.”

i wish i could disappear ....from your life...

 i....who feels strong when placed against you...weak when beside you.

 i wish i could disappear....somewhere you would never find me...

 you...a fantastic charisma my heart longs to own...have it for itself...all for itself...

i wish i dont wish this.

 like "energy" you pull...like gravity you allure...

 you...

 thats only when its..."you".

 me...a life too exhaustive to capture...

 like "dark energy" i would always repel you...repel us...

 me...

 thats when it comes to me...

 your very being wont let me have you...i cant have you, for thats how you've made it.

 i "cant" have you...

 and you never can deserve me...

 and there's a "you" and there's a "me"...but never an "us"...never can be.

 and too deep is the abyss created by this incongruency...

the man stood near the ocean, throwing stones no more...

beheld the ocean with closed fists..

the ocean roared.

rolling stones to the shore...it roared...

the man stood near the ocean, throwing stones no more...

beholding the stones with closed fists...

 Lover...

"have you ever wondered how it feels like to look at the world through misty eyes? the mist being not a delusional film of self- engulfment, but an altered vision, concrete and sure in its very existence, envisioning the world with its own meticulous surveillance...a vision magnified as it beautifies, itself as well as the world it encapsulates.

 the inability of the world to provide me with a soul like to mine saddens me into loneliness.

the search for a soul that would satiate my boundless lust for freedom and life...the search for a mind that would surpass mine in its vivacious persistence...breaking it, dismantling it, forcing it into wishful capitulation .

i survey the world in silence...wondering at the incongruency...looking for that knick point of my ascending thoughts and the descending realities of the world.

the higher my thoughts ascend, the lower the world falls in its generative capacity.

o where is that niche, that place, that space...that mirror to my unearthly reflections...?

where are the waters where i can plunge without drowning?'- wrote this once upon a time.

 thats me...

 and behold...i am still...

 lofty peaks indeed raise a brow...

but that doesnt mean i will capitulate,,,i'm just beholding.

MADNESS and SANITY

Today i can feel the tremors of the madness of the world inside me. 

Madness...the locust, sweeping away, unthinkingly, all that falls in its way. 

But wait. 

Way...does madness really have a way? Or is it a lexical error?

For madness by its very nature is arbitrary. And arbitrariness leaves no scope for ways. 

As desultoriness eats into the soul of the world and the scope for sanity is drastically reduced. 

For when madness incarnates itself, it overwhelmingly outweighs that which is antipodal to it. 

And sanity finds itself standing on shaky grounds...

O the strife involved in retaining some semblance of sanity in this seemingly insane world.

                                                                ***

In a world gone astray in fundamentals, the power to 'hit' assumes a greater force than the capacity to 'be hit'. 

And so madness strikes this world devoid of fundamentals. This world that stands vulnerable to selling away its soul at the brothel of insanity.  This world that shakes, and waits, and pants its remaining breaths of saneness. 

The compos mentis, knee bent at the altar of chaos. 

And the door waiting to open at the command of this wretched mankind, still pathetically powerful in its capacity to hold the keys. 

To open or not to open, then becomes the new question. 

For to be or not to be seems to have long lost the simplicity of essence. 

THE FOUNTAIN

                                                                            

every writer seeks a new thought.

every sailor a  new spot.

                in every lover lingers a secret desire 

                 a hell of love, of leering fire

every soldier seeking a new life

damned with  memories of pain-stricken strife.

                                       savouring in the resins of life's oozes

                                       there lie in you and me the phantoms of a world rushed hushed

                                        the ghosts of a dream chained by the sense of the world

                                        the visions of a mind drowned in sentiency.

 

               

                  

                                                               the fountain that bursts out its delightful brawl

                                                               there it shoots, lo! there it stalls

                                                               there it plunges in scrumptious falls

                                                               and the perpetual eye catches it all.

if only could every writer find a new thought

unmarked, untouched, unfelt, unrot.

                    if only could every lover real love discover

                    heralding a heaven of breathing fervor.

if only could every soldier see the first blush

swirl his way out of the rackety rush

                                      the remains of a maiden mind dusted by the whims of the world

                                      scatter their light through crevices daunted and spurned

                                      the hopes of a sight new visions find

                                      of dissolving worlds and transcending lines.

 

 

 

               in me, in you, in the breath of the world

               powerful heavens twist and twirl

               when providence finds gravitised within

               there's no more to lose, no more  to win.

                                      then let ghosts not ghosts still remain

                                      let not this writing go in vain.

                                      let me take thou to that virgin land

                                      thats seems so far, yet so at hand.

              

                                                                     the fountain that bursts out its delightful brawl

                                                                     there it shoots, lo! there it stalls

                                                                     there it plunges in scrumptious falls

                                                                     and the perpetual eye catches it all.

THE HUMAN MIND

Existence is a  state of mind. to exist is to be conscious of one's existence, and such consciousness comes through the functioning of the mind.

the mind exists primarily in two states:

1) state of action, also called state of wakefulness 

the mind is always in an urge to act. the actions performed can be both tangible and intangible depending upon the nature of the 'agent of reception'. so if the agent of reception is the external world, actions, being governed by the mind undergo an expulsion from the internal to the external. these actions being external in nature tend to be tangible and concrete.

so...the mind signals hunger, urging the body to perform the 'concrete' action of eating food.

however if the agent of reception is the internal world, i.e. the universe of the human mind itself, the actions undergo a suction into the internal from the external; they are internalized and consequently attain intangibility. these actions take the form of thoughts. thoughts as we know are purely internal.

these thoughts, being minors of the mind, feel a natural impulse to play. the mind, bound within rigid skeletal boundaries, then becomes a monotonous, limited space incapable of tactile/tactual realisation. it is here when the external world gains significance: it serves as a playground upon which thoughts (minors of mind) can cast impressions , experiencing a transient movement into blatant externalisation, where they linger for some time, only to be impregnated into the "parent mind" again.

2) state of reverie or the cataleptic stage

thoughts are best friend to a cataleptic mind. 

it is in a state of catalepsy that human mind loses touch with externalities. for a 'reveried' mind the external world loses 'presence', thereby attaining a state of negative presence (the world is there, yet not there for this mind). the external universe thus undergoes a "double externalisation".

isolated, the cataleptic mind feels induced into itself. and it is now that the process of "passive speculation" begins. the world appears a fleeting phenomena, whose temporality becomes questionable the moment it gains a relatively permanent impression on the receptive mind. the mind now serves as an infinite space capaciated for the reception of such impressions. thereafter begins the process of "positive induction", of "conscious thoughtfulness".

for a mind in a state of trance, the external world loses all "appearances of reality". the only reality that persists is the reality of the impressions created. the mind then, lapped with thoughts ( its legitimate and authentic minors), seems the only existing reality.

and so the only reality that exists for such a mind is "purely impressionistic".

such a mind finds existence not in 'moments', but in 'a space spread across time'. it thrives in permanence; the word 'permanence' here not denoting longevity but a legitimisation of existence, and here of the existence of the mind. the mind, being naturally physically handicapped (or incapable of physical action), enters a state of passivity, prevails awhile, only to plunge into a state of "absolute persistence". it is at the thrust of this persistence that reality begins to demystify itself.

 

defamiliarising externalities, the mind then takes on the path of 'familiarization of reality'.